vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
