if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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