I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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