Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
