What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
