I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
