I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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