life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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