you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
