we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
