I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
