2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
