FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
