What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
