Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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