the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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