I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
