I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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