In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Randomize
