my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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