Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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