I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
