Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
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I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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