If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
