I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize