College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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