Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
