I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
