I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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