I CAN MOONWALK!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
