i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
