My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
