I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
