I'm really into asian looking animals
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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