My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
