My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
found the other keg... it's in the tree
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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