I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
