grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
