Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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