I'm really into asian looking animals
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you had me at cake vodka
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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