please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
