It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
