Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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