He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
