grandma shit on top of the toilet
im about as happy as oj after his trial
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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