I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
