My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Drunk is not a location!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
