Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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