She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
