i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
