I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
