Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize