My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm like, not good at living.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
