I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
