I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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